Darkfall [Video Game]

I really don't know where I should begin with this. I had high expectations for this game ever since I started tracking it three years ago. It looked like it'd be the glorious successor to Ultima Online's throne in terms of gameplay and freedom to do whatever the hell you wanted in the game world, but I can't believe how wrong I was in thinking that.

After spending fifty bucks to download a bloated client weighing in at roughly nine gigabytes and eventually patching a few hundred more megabytes I found myself finally logging into the game. It took roughly five minutes to boot up completely which was a bit of a disappointment, but I cast it aside as normal, seeing as how it had to render the entire game world which was supposedly massive.

But then it happened.

As soon as my character materialized into the world, I was greeted by a slipshod tutorial which covered the very basics of gameplay control which spanned an entire six pages which could be easily read through in under five minutes. I finished reading through this, then closed the gump only to see how fucking horrible the world looked.

I don't know, maybe that's why they put the bulky tutorial in the dead center of the screen; maybe they were ashamed of how horrible their game looked, or perhaps the fact that they asked retail cost and subscription fee for an abortion of a game, but as soon as I saw it I knew what was in store for me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means prudish, snobbish, or parvenu about these kinds of things. I still play Ultima Online, and it doesn't have amazing graphics, but it's still an enjoyable experience since the artwork was all well made. Darkfall's cities and outlying stretches of land look primitive even by Dark Age of Camelot's standards. I shit you not.



I quickly disregarded this and thought that perhaps the gameplay would make up for it. So with that in mind, I made my way to the NPC questgiver that stood only a few steps in front of the spawn point and took the two tasks he asked of me.

"Slay four goblins, and collect four axes from their remains." This didn't seem like much of a problem at all. I mean, in most MMORPG's, or even RPG's for that matter, goblins aren't very dangerous at all. Well, that's what I thought until I traveled to one of their camps. If Darkfall has anything going for it, it's definitely the NPC AI. These goblins will team up and rape the shit out of you. I've never seen NPC's use such dirty, underhanded tactics in order to win in any other MMO to date.

Anyway, it took a bit of time using hit-and-run tactics, but I eventually killed one and a... gravestone popped up where it died, which was obviously what I needed to target to loot the creature, and in doing so came the next big problem I had: looting. While looting is handled much like in UO in where you need to target the 'corpse' of the creature you felled and drag everything from it to your backpack. In Darkfall, it's a much slower process, and all the while any creatures or players in the immediate area can, and will, get behind you and commence brutally ass raping you while you're aiming towards the ground to loot the spoils of battle.

I don't know, like I said I really wanted to like this game, and there are several other problems with it, but where it really shines is the PVP aspect. Sadly, though, that isn't by any means the only thing you need to make a good game. Perhaps if this game was designed as an arena-style MMO in which case the only goal was to fight other players, it would have worked wonders. However, the crafting, gathering, and PVM aspects of the game feel clunky, uninspired, and just altogether unfinished. Pass on this game and go play EVE, Warhammer Online, or something else that's worth your time. As is, this game just isn't.

Thanks a lot for the recommendation, Mike, you faggot.

Slayer [Video Game]

**Apparently planar daemons drive broadswords through their thighs to show how badass they are.

I'm back again to talk about yet another game from my childhood, probably one of my favorites. The game's called "Slayer," released by SSI, based on Dungeons and Dragons, and from first glance is just another dungeon-crawling role-playing game--and in fact it is...

...However, there are certain things about it that makes it great. First off, you can completely customize your character, including their class, race, name, statistics, and all of the good stuff you'd expect from a game based on Dungeons and Dragons, but the real kicker comes after you create your character. Before you enter the dungeon you're also allowed to customize it, this includes how many levels are in the dungeon, how many monsters, what monster types are encountered, how much treasure, food, potions, and traps are in the dungeon, as well as other things. This, coupled with the random generation of goodies in each level of the dungeon adds to a very high replay value.

**"It's time you did something about those monsters under your bed."
Really, SSI? Is that the best you can come up with for a tagline?

Another good thing about Slayer is the music, there are a few drab pieces, but overall it has some interesting tunes, some of which left me waiting in anticipation for the next to come. I think the music, save for a few pieces, was well made, and definitely fun to listen to.

Overall, the game isn't that hard to get into, either. Basically there's two buttons, one of each controls the weapon or item in your left or right hand. If you're a certain class you can duel wield, and each item in your hands has a cool down after use, which leaves the item greyed out and unusable until this time limit passes (though this is always short for weapons, and only a bit longer for spells, and enchanted items.) Aside from this you also have an inventory screen which, at the click of the button, you can use items such as rations (to replenish your hunger gauge,) potions that do a plethora of different things, some of which are even bad for you (such as poison,) and several scrolls you can find throughout the game. Aside from these things there is also a camp menu that allows you to rest, check the map, save and load games, and all of that good stuff.

Now on to the bad points:

Possibly the worst thing about this game is the fact that there really isn't any story. in fact, I don't think I remember reading anything about the story in the instruction manual; you're just thrown into the first level of some random custom dungeon and are expected to fight your way to the last level, where you're supposed to kill this big boss for no other reason than just bragging rites. Yeah, there's an opening cinematic, but it's pretty damned cryptic, and doesn't help promote any kind of storyline. This takes a lot away from the game for me, but that's no reason not to play it, I suppose. It's good hack-n-slash fun, and I guess if you really need a story, you can use your imagination and make your own up; I mean, that's what Dungeons and Dragons was all about--being creative.

Also, from what I can tell, even with the random placement of items and other goodies, the basic design of each level of the dungeon never changes, so after some time, you're going to get bored of going through the same levels, so that really hinders replay value.

All the same though, if you're looking for a decent role playing game on the 3DO, this is well worth your time. Pick it up, give it a try, and have a blast cutting your way through each level of the dungeon in search of fortune and fame, only to realize you've wasted twelve hours of your life playing a video game.

The Horde [Video Game]

I just recently stumbled upon a 3DO emulator named FreeDO; a quick search in google is all you'll need to do to find it. When I found it, I was instantly excited about reliving the memories of my youth, playing games like Dragon Lore or Slayer on the emulator, games which I still have laying about in my room, but with no 3DO to play them on -- now I had the chance!

Before I get into the emulator, I'd like to inform you misguided folks on the 3DO. It wasn't a horrible console, in fact it had an extensive collection of games on it, many of which I only saw on the Panasonic 3DO at the time. The biggest fault of the system was it's large price tag, weighing in at six-hundred bucks at the time, you can see why it was easily taken down by the Sony PlayStation, and similar systems at the time. I keep hearing people bitch about it being a failed system, when it really wasn't. I'm sure those who could afford one, or happened upon one had lots of fun -- in fact, I played mine up until early '01, when mine broke for some reason or another, needless to say I was heartbroken when it happened.

Anyway, enough of that, today I'd like to talk about a video game called "The Horde" it was released on the Panasonic 3DO, as well as the Sega Saturn, and PC. I'll be talking about the 3DO version, of course, but I think I'd much prefer the PC version, since it seems like this game was designed with mouse support in mind. All the same, the game controls fine on a joystick or game pad.

The Horde is an interesting game, that combines strategy, town building, and action all in one game, but separated into separate parts. For example, the first part of the game is spent building your town, planting trees, building walls and cow pens, and this is all done in a certain amount of time: (two minutes for those who prefer to build in a close-up view, and four minutes for the ones who build in bird's eye view.)

After this is accomplished, and you have everything the way you'd like, you can also lay traps, place knights or archers, and an assortment of other defenses to waylay the attacking horde. As soon as the time is up (indicated by a slowly draining hourglass) you hear the horn of battle...or at least that's what it sounds like, and you enter a new phase of the game; an action oriented defensive mode. You move about your town with the aid of your minimap in the bottom right corner, and if any of the hordelings get past your defenses, you cut them down with your sword -- Grimthwacker! However, if you let the horde escape your wrath, they will run loose in your town, eating your crops, cows, destroying homes, and even eating your citizens! This can be problematic because crops and cows increase your town's income, and at the end of each yearly cycle, you must pay a sum of tax to the collectors, and if you come up short, you're tossed into the debtor's dungeon to rot.

It's simple enough, basically you try to keep your economy thriving, and fight off the horde before they reach your town and raze it to the ground. All in all, it's quite an enjoyable experience, and the FMV segments are a delight to watch, starring Kirk Cameron, and Michael Gregory. Each of the characters are a treat, and although the story is meant to be more of a comedy, it's good to know that it was thought out so well, and it is what it is; a cheesy game, with an interesting story to back it up! It may sound strange, but it's well worth checking out just to see the story unfold.

The music is also interesting, but nothing too special. By the time it gets boring, you'll be in season four and will have moved on to another area, and a new portion of the soundtrack.

All in all, I'll give this game a 7/10, I have to give it props for being an exciting part of my childhood, and it's made by Toys for Bob, the same company that created the Star Control series! Definitely give this game a try, it's well worth your time.

BattleStar Galactica [TV Show]

My first post is gonna be about a show I watch when it's actually on. This is my first post so don't bitch if it's a little odd (This goes to you Mal). The show is Battlestar Galactica obviously. When I first started watching, I was drawn to it by the hot chick in the picture, Tricia Helfer,

but after watching the first season I started really getting into the show itself. The CGI is well done with the battles. I personally like the centurions, the mechanical version of the cylons.

Anyway I'm going off track here. The show is all about robots known as the cylons who attack humanity and almost wipe them out. The survivors flee their homeworlds and attempt to make it to a planet that they only know of through ancient myth, Earth. The cylons follow the humans attempting to finish the job in killing them. But eventually they themselves want to make it to Earth.

I'm much too lazy to go into more details and since the only person that'll probably read this is Mal, theres really not much point to go on. If however you are reading this blog and haven't seen the show I recommend watching it. Admittedly though it'll be hard to get into since it's being taken off the air and you'll have to buy the Season DVD's.

OK, I'm done posting for a while.

Mass Effect [Video Game] and Tropic Thunder [Movie]

Welcome back to the mediocrity! Lately I haven't been doing too much aside from playing Mass Effect; I know I'm a bit late, but I figure better late than never. Anyway, from what I've seen of Mass Effect so far, the game exceeded my expectations--granted, that isn't saying much seeing as how I didn't think the game was going to be that great in the first place. Still, I have to admit that I'm actually having a lot of fun with the game, it's got a great story, including party interaction and sub-plots based around the various characters.

This brings me to my first gripe, however. I really wish there could have been a few more characters added to the main cast, or perhaps deeper conversation trees between the player and his or her team, as is there's really only one new branch to unlock after every mission in the main storyline, and that was a bit disappointing for me. Still, I guess I'm nitpicking at this point, and asking for a bit too much out of a decent game, it just seems that these days, most designers focus more on stunning visuals than storyline, and it's a real shame.

Anyway, if you like science fiction-themed role playing games, you should really check this one out, especially with it's current price tag. Bioware keeps doing what they do best.


On to my next topic: I've recently ran across a newer movie called "Tropic Thunder," starring Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., and dare I say Ben Stiller? In fact, Ben Stiller was a writer and director of this cheesy flick. Don't let that scare you off though, in fact it's actually a pretty decent movie if you can stand to sit through an hour and a half of bile flowing out of Ben Stiller's mouth. Honestly though, I'd have to say that Robert Downey Jr. really steals the show here, and as much as I like Jack Black, he just wasn't *that* funny in this film, which was a real let down for me as I'm a fan of many of the other movies he's in, just because he's a part of them. Nick Nolte, Tom Cruise, and Danny R. McBride, were kept in the dark--so to speak--for most of the movie, and that was also a shame, seeing as I'd like to see their characters developed a bit more, but I guess Ben Stiller decided he needed more screen time focused around his character killing and wearing a panda--I can't make this shit up.

All in all, if you like the cast, go check out Tropic Thunder, I personally don't think it's a waste of time, I enjoyed the movie, aside from it's faults. Don't be scared off by mention of Ben Stiller, he's a funny guy sometimes, but in this movie I think he tried too hard and failed miserably.

Tropic Thunder: 6/10*
Mass Effect: 7/10*

Opening Night! Tonight's Topic: EvE Online [Video Game]

Wow, I finally got around to setting this up, I never thought I'd actually get around to it, but here I am. This is my first time doing anything like this, so expect this blog to be a complete and utter failure and a waste of your time, why you've even read this far is beyond me, but keep it up! I'm likely going to be using this site, along with a few of my friends, to review movies, games, and stories in the news. Don't expect anything amazing, as we're pretty horrible at entertaining the masses.

More than likely, though, the people who are going to be reading this are just a few close friends of mine, so don't get too angry if I'm not overly enthusiastic about greeting you bastards.

Anyway--on to the topic of the day, before I lose my train of thought.

Something I wanted to talk about today is a Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game (or MMORPG for short) called EvE Online. For those of you who are new to the MMORPG scene, you're more than likely more familiar with console, single-player role playing games--like the Final Fantasy series, or pen and paper desktop role playing games. In either case, chances are if you've played these kind of games you know how things work in way of experience points, leveling up, and all of that jazz. Basically, MMORPGs are one in the same, but instead of having NPC's in your party which are controlled by artificial intelligence, you can interact with other real life players over the internet--sounds neat, right? I'm here to tell you that EvE Online will take this basic idea, amplify it, and blow your fucking mind all in a few moments after having logged into the server.

How does EvE accomplish this, you ask?

By bringing out the best--and the worst--in a player, I'd have to say. Many MMORPG games in the past have done similar things, one of my old favorites being Ultima Online. EvE plays along a similar rule set of the golden days of Ultima Online; it gives you a vast area to explore, a set of guarded areas to get your bearings in, and a decision: Do you step out of the guard zones and seize your destiny, or cower behind in fear of what might rest outside? Sounds more than a bit frightening, but as with Ultima Online, the same is correct with EvE Online; what's outside of those guard zones are decided by players, there is no law except what little is upheld by player gangs and corporations--in my opinion, this is what makes this game stand out in a sea of worthless drivel that plagues the MMORPG market today.

Oh, I can hear you World of Warcraft junkies screaming from your computer chairs now:

"Oh no he didn't!"

Oh yes, I did. I won't delve into my distaste for WoW, but I will say that you kiddies have it easy, even in your player versus player servers.

Anyway, I've spoken too long on this subject, but I'll likely bring the game up more at a later date. For now, I can only ask you skeptics to try out the free trial, I'm sure that if you're into space-themed role-playing games, you'll enjoy yourself.